Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life (Proverbs 13:12).
I usually wondered when and how this or that would work or play out in my life. Whether or not I’d ever see the manifestation of my expectations. I know many of you subscribe to the, “Don’t have expectations” sentiment. But I find that to be quite discouraging actually. Wasn’t life meant for us to have expectations? What a world. Masking our inability to hold integrity or be people of our own word, we resort to feeding each other with the nonsense of Don’t have expectations. Alas!
I believe disappointments are inevitable but we shouldn’t render our expectations null and void. I remember speaking to a friend about a specific instance, I won’t go into detail but it was rather just about how I always seem strong. Maybe one day I will muster the courage to further elaborate some of these stories. But for now I will have to keep it brief. It was basically about how I have endured certain hardships I never really talk about, but only to my nearest and dearest. I mean, who hasn’t been through something hard, right? But my friend went on to say, “If I were in your shoes Njavwa, I would have probably been dead”. Now, I don’t believe she would have literally been dead but I understood where she was coming from in acknowledging the strength she saw in me.
She further went on to ask me innocently, “How haven’t you given up yet, on certain things?” I know my sheer tenacity to walk the road of my purpose still beckons me to try and try and try some more. Whether it was a journey of finding someone who truly is meant for me, a job that really fulfills me and mirrors who I am or even a place which brought me the much sought for internal comfort I’ve yearned for.
So, I never stopped hoping, I never stopped asking God, and I never stopped seeking. When you keep knocking at the door it will eventually be opened, when you keep seeking you will eventually find, and when you keep asking it will eventually be granted unto you. In the midst of it all, rejection is also unavoidable.
Hope became my friend. We had to nurture this relationship prudently. Even though I sometimes gave up on Hope. Hope is what awakened my faith. Hope reminded me that even for the woman with the issue of blood who went through doctor after doctor, and only got her healing 12 years later, just by touching the fringe of Jesus’s robe. Just one touch. Hope never looked at the timeline but the perseverance of our faith and the molding of our character.
I am not the most optimistic person, but I hope, very much. The mystery of life is in Hope.
I remember a week ago reflecting on how frustrated I was when many things didn’t go my way. To my surprise, it had to not go certain ways as I had hoped or anticipated. Because I probably wouldn’t be writing this. I remember last year being so ambiguous in every way possible. My biggest frustration came from my job. Ohh how I beat myself up, I dreaded it, a lot.
Hours on end sending application after application. I finally landed a job at Citi Bank. To think that would be the beginning of my satisfaction was a bluff. It seemed to worsen my frustrations. Now, lest you make a conclusion that I was ungrateful—I was glad I had a job, but not content with what I was doing. JP Morgan came along, I was invited for an interview, I so badly wanted that job. I prayed and prayed and prayed some more. I went through the interview but I wasn’t selected for the position. I applied for many other jobs at many other companies (3 months into my job at Citi Bank). Mind you, prior to my job at Citi Bank I had worked at a certain company for 3 years.
Come December 2022, I decided to quit my job anyway without any job in the pipeline. I had faith I was going to land a job by January, somehow, but even if it didn’t happen I still knew God had a plan. Now I am not encouraging anyone to quit their job without having something on standby. No!This is just how I decided to do things and how it somehow planned out for me. And indeed I did land another job by January 2023. Thank God! This job position was only created in that very December of 2022. A colleague of mine who left the company a few weeks before me referred me to where I am now, we met on LinkedIn.
So, this job never existed the entire time I was applying to the other companies. It was still cooking and in the making. It came with many more perks than what the others would have offered me. I get to have leeway, work remotely, stress free job. On the other hand, the others would be contrary to what I was wanting and needing. The moral of the story is, I only understood why things didn’t go as I planned or wanted them to, in hindsight. I just had to wait a little longer before I’d gotten what I asked for.
As of Today I will say this, my journey of gratification is found in the meaning of my name, Helper. So, corporate jobs aren’t exactly for me, but soon I will tell you a new story.
Don’t get tired in the waiting season, that’s where the story is. Better is not enough, but the best is yet to come.
Shinny dresses and smiley faces. Sound of thunder like my heartbeat. Drop of rain touches my feet. The wind so breezy and the air so easy. Lights above me never cease to please me.
New places, new faces but none of them matched your traces.
When you thought I didn’t notice you for me a glimpse was enough you know. But while I tried racing towards you, your height was nowhere in sight.
The only thing I remembered were your eyes that matched mine too. Drawn from my presence you silently slipped away in the blue.
Everyday I see the gift of life only because I’m awakened by the light. The sun reminds me of a hope alive, that a new day has been set aside.
The flowers wave at me with their bright smile, the birds dance to the wind triumphantly. My eyes almost opened, excited for the foreseeable.
My spirit awakened by the jubilant sound of life. A new day, a new dawn, a new dusk. The light at the end of the tunnel keeps me afloat. I fret not because hope accompanies me aboard.
Barcelona, a place filled with life and lights. A beauty that puts darkness to sleep and causes people to seek.
The air that invites you for a sweet breath of a city that is always high and people that are fly. A city that I fell in love with and opened my heart to meet a soul I thought I’d never greet.
A love that seems far in the distance almost like a miracle until I came face to face with it.
His eyes looked at me with sincerity and his words were filled with serendipity. The laugher we shared filled my belly and the charm filled my soul. It was as though the unexpected decided that it was magical but reality anticipated it would be phenomenal.
And now she waits to see what the future holds as she waits for the rest to unfold.
Ian’s piece to me. My all time favourite. A surprise I never saw coming. Some things can only happen once, but what matters is they happen, even once.
Barcelona, a city that lit up my spirit and made my heart glow.
Broken in pieces like glass on the ground. Very exposed with nothing to hide.
Shattered in spirit like glass on the ground, ohh my dear how could it be so profound. A little bit of hope somehow I have found not in you but in everything around.
The times I’d hoped you’d come running back made my mind stay on the right track.
But after a while I faced the reality, that maybe it was me who was running from the truth and all I was left with was vanity on vanity.
Behind in life?—Ohh my gosh, so and so is getting this and that done, and I’m here feeling stuck because I’m equally trying but haven’t yielded tangible results yet.
Or are you just normal?
For me, I have mostly been married to hurriedness. But hurriedness in a sense of feeling as though I’m behind schedule because others seem to overtake me.
The one thing though that somehow seemed to create a separation between me and my hurriedness was my health. Aha yes, my health. Halting all my plans and causing me to pause so I can pose.
And of course the ambitious in me was not having any of it. Because again, I was behind schedule.
Well, here is 24 year old me seemingly thinking I’m going through a quarter life crisis as I orchestrate my next move which may/will probably take a few months or more. I have lived in Poland for what now seems like an eternity (5 years). However, the mark always seems to be 5 years wherever I’ve lived. And then I move.
I usually hear stories of what most go through when they hit the 25 mark of existence and I don’t know whether that’s now caught up to me. Although, I do not lack motivation to do what I wish to accomplish in my life. Maybe I’m still trying to navigate my way through the how, but surely taking the necessary steps to start from somewhere.
Now, a few weeks ago, I was in some kind of life marathon where my thoughts were running amok because everywhere I looked the people I know were somehow flourishing in what they are/were doing. Many changes happened in their lives and it was visible that they are taking steps to change certain elements, be it a job, location or even their hair style. And then there I was, feeling left behind. Almost stagnant, which is maybe what I thought I became as a result of complacency.
Then again I thought to myself, the work that needs to be done by me is being done, I’m not idle, folding my arms waiting to wish upon a star. The work that needs to be done and the steps that need to be taken are being taken. Equally my trajectory is different from others. And for me it might take a while for it to cook up because it requires different ingredients (just as theirs).
Now, this stands to be the truth that, God/Jesus is paving my way for what is to come. This goes for those who believe in God, or whatever it is you may believe in (whatever you subscribe to).The point is to know what you want, how you want and where to find it. Of course many other factors go into play, but, to start, that has to be the first step. So, I’m no life coach nor am I a motivational speaker.
I’m sat in the hospital writing this, because it had to take a hospital bed to make me pause to pose. Migraine after migraine for weeks on end of relentless headaches. It had to take my health to alert me that I am doing the best I can in my capacity and ability.
We often feel as though life is sluggish because we can’t see the forest for the trees. We like to believe results are instantaneous, for some yes. For others gradual. Sometimes life can indeed be sluggish, it can make one to juggle around and even cause angst.
But that fear of feeling left behind should never be a result of how far others are or how much progress they have made. We are all cut from different clothes and all on different trajectories with dynamic prerequisites for where life is all taking us. We may go down the same road but there are always some minute differences either way.
So 24 year old me going on 25 in September is still filled with ambiguity of When, How and Where? But I can thank my hospital bed for making me pause to pose. I still know what I want at least and taking the much needed steps to pursue that which I long to see materialize in my life.
However, a moment such as this had to come. So now I seat and wait to take my blood tests—I pause to pose.
Sometimes life brings us to places we never thought we’d be. People we never thought we’d meet, and ideas we never expected we’d have. And that’s where the beauty of life lies, not always knowing what the future holds. The adventure can come with fear of the unknown but that’s the journey life requires us to embark on.
I woke up to the thought of, “repositioning”….Sometimes our plans in life have to be frustrated for a better repositioning and redirection. Loss of any nature is never pleasant to encounter, be it a job, a loved one , the end of a relationship…etc.
But that’s the beauty of life, there’s always new this, new that and new whatever. Of course it may never replace the past feelings, thoughts, experiences and adventures. But our biggest frustration is trying to control the outcome of the present. As a result, we choose to dwell on the past and deprive ourselves of experiencing the beauty of newness.
Growing bitter because things didn’t work out this way or that way could act as a hindrance for new doors to open and ultimately impair your perspective (for better avenues to venture into). As the saying goes, “life is a mystery”, and that’s where the leap of faith comes in. It’s in the unknown, and that’s the beauty of life, the mystery.
Summer, my favorite season of the year (minus the scorching heat), not because I come from a hot country (Zambia) but because of how beautiful and lively everything and everyone seems to appear. The blue skies, green trees and the almost smiles on people’s faces you get to see here and there.
Summer has always been full of beautiful surprises for me, for the most part. 2020 was a year which left many bound and confined to one place—The four corners of their walls. I wasn’t an exception. But when summer knocked at my door the course of events took a shift. It came with eased COVID restrictions, which meant we were finally permitted to somewhat experience some normalcy. To some degree. And beloveds that is when I tasted true freedom after being isolated for majority of the months, perhaps not isolated but more so, social-distancing. Which frankly to me is the equivalent of isolation.
And once the regulations signaled, exclaiming to the public (in my translation)— “You are free birds”, that my friends was my cue to have the much needed summer fun I had longed for. It entailed hosting people on Couchsurfing, meeting all sorts of individuals from different backgrounds, walks of life and even temperaments. Traveling here and there within the Polish borders by myself—To the Seaside, Historical sights, Beaches, Museums, Events, the whole shebang. It’s one that will forever go down in my History Book. New friends, new hobbies, more growth, more knowledge and maybe even more wiser….Ahah.
Nevertheless, this summer (2021) has not been any different, or must I say, even better, the only difference however, is, it’s still ongoing. I like to think my summers are the start of my New Year, this is a period/season when I tend to come out of my shell. And this summer I eventually did so in the month of July. But more specifically, one particular weekend.
The start of July greeted me with an adventure to the Polish mountains, where I hiked for the first time and surprised myself with how much momentum I had within me. Made new friends in the most unexpected way, ate assorted dishes (not to mention my taste buds are eclectic), had many conversations and a good laugh. One of my favorite memories, thus far. But saying bye is always bitter-sweet, and yes, even though it was a 4 day trip I embarked on, it still struck a cord and will forever remain so.
Summer in the mountains.
After my trip had come to a close, I made my way back to Warsaw (my home, for now). Upon my return to Warsaw, I got my second shot of the Pfizer vaccine, caught up with a friend and picked up from where we left off. Did some bulk buying for my groceries and also caught up with some much needed sleep. But, as the month continued to unravel I found myself having to be here and there, to ensure my errands were all being tackled pedantically. And also the never ending, we need to catch-up sessions with my friends, not that I’m complaining.
Now, fast forward to my favorite weekend this July. I know! I know! July is not over yet, but hey, what can I say, as long as that day hasn’t come yet this one will remain my favorite. July the 17th went from, I will probably stay home and do nothing while I wait for the time to arrive to meet my friends later in the evening….To, Wow, a lot can change in a short period of time. And that’s exactly how it went down, in a nutshell. I woke up to a text message from someone whom I met as a stranger, initially. The message went something like, “I will be going to such and such a place, they have a great view and nice drinks, I would invite you if you were free”. My answer was an obvious yes. It’s a long story how we met but let’s just say we did.
I am one of those people who believes in giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. Well, being too trusting of people can sometimes backfire, and this time wasn’t one of those times. The chat from the get go was top-notch, from the text messages prior to our face to face meeting to the very first Hello in person. Cool, calm and collected is how I would sum the whole interaction. I arrive at the venue of invitation, the reception of warmth overwhelms me, both from the beautiful view of the Sky-High building and my now friend.
Sky-High
I don’t know about you but, as an over-thinker I like to calculate everything. Plan out how things will go from A to Z. Not much of an optimist but maybe not a pessimist either, I lie in the middle of the spectrum. To my surprise everything went better than I planned out. A conversation filled with substance and some good banter, no awkwardness and thankfully no crickets sound(because there was no awkward moments). It all looked to be smooth sailing. Some might deem me to be a dreamer but if that’s the case then so be it, but it almost felt like a movie and as I write this, I am LOLing hard. But really, it did.
Have you ever met someone and just felt as though you have known them for ages? To me it didn’t even feel like a feeling because feelings are fickle and sometimes can be deceiving in some way. I am not one to use my words lightly, this was more like a soul connection. Deep like the ocean. Not an infatuation. But it obviously wasn’t instantaneous, at least not for me. It was gradual, it happened minute by minute. And I am trying hard not to sound cliché or cheesy cause it’s so cringe but here it goes, I believe it is the first time in my life since I truly ever properly connected with a human on a soul level. Yes, I sound cheesy to some of you lot. And no, it’s not some fairytale or love story….it’s just a tale of how sometimes life’s mystery can be beautiful.
As the evening unfolds we hop from one place to another, and so does the chat.
A gleaming smile hits my face as I continue to be awed by each and every event that takes places. It’s as though my life is being projected on some screen as it all unveils. Just pure connection. Sorry for my limited choice of words but, that is as simple as I can get to put it plainly. I have to reiterate myself cause, how can I not? For the first time in forever, I was able to open up to a stranger so freely and just allow myself to be. His eyes felt like a safe place to gaze into— warm and kind, accepting, sympathetic, genuine and even caring. My shy self sometimes couldn’t bear the stare only because I’m not used to it. But My God, he stared at me as though I was some kind of precious jewel. And it made me feel special.
The way he carried himself is almost like he had no worry in the world, not that he is nonchalant. But more so to do with his cool-calm-and collected demeanour.
It was a 2 day date which will remain to be one of my favorite ones, hopefully forever, but I can’t promise that. Talking about cultures, religions, people, wining and dining. Going to church, playing mini golf, giving each other backhanded compliments, being misguided by my no-sense of direction radar. Tiredness written all over our faces and yet, still being able to laugh it off. Again, it’s not a fairytale but he definitely is a top lad. On my highest shelf at this given moment. It was different although brief. It wasn’t a feeling….It was a soul connection.
Even though we are quite different as people we still shared a special bond. And the moment I dreaded eventually came. I was drenched in sadness as we bade goodbye. The curtain fell to the ground and it was as clear as day. I knew that moment was coming but I didn’t want to think it would. And at the back of my head I asked myself, “When will I ever get such a soul connection again?” Mind you, I have had many connections in my 20 something years of living, but not like this one. Not one which left me gob smacked.
We sat on the bench awaiting for me to finish writing him a small note, which he equally did (in return). I looked him in the eyes, put it in the palm of his hand and he read it hurriedly with much exuberance (and vice versa). But like all stories there is an end and I wasn’t looking forward to this one. We stood up, he hugged me tightly, looked me in the eyes and kissed me goodbye and a last kiss landing on my forehead. It was then that the rude awakening of reality dawned. Alas! But it was going to happen anyway.
When I tell you I am at a loss for words with this interaction, I really mean it. As a writer it is a common sentiment to utter such words, but this time it really hit home for me.
I learned so much about life in such a short period of time. I opened my eyes to the possibility of thinking, people like this do exist. It was God’s way of whispering to me, “There still is a glimmer of hope after-all”, and for me that gift came wrapped in a human form. Yes, perhaps it was only meant to be for 2 days but it is one which will remain engrained for a lifetime.
Storytelling 